If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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