I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
