I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
