I just saw a hot homeless man
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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