My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize