Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize