i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
