Will you blow on my dice?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
