I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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