I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
