dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
