I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
