Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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