why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize