Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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