I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
