so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
