Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
