Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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