Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
