I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
