They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
