What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize