You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
