I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
