We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
