I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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