Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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