I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
