just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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