I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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