i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
