who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
