did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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