i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
