Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize