Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
