....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
