i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
