So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize