dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
