woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
