hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
