I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is wine microwaveable?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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