Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
