Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
