You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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