Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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