u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
