just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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