I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize