dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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