Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
two words...techno handjob
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Less talking, more tequila
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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