Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
