That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
