My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
