Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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