I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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