i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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