It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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