A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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